Communication let me down

Crooned the man from Spandau in the 1980's. Today the science fiction community have developed an advanced system of communication by statement or announcement which I find mildly irritating. The following is a list of commonly used statements in the pub with my immediate response, interpretation and or misunderstanding.

'Fosters has gone!'
'Where? - On holiday?, to lunch? down the road? awol?

' I say greatest Landlord, I am certain that the Fosters barrel is empty and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced by a full one?' This will enable me to dispense to the waiting customer a full pint of lager in under three minutes without spillage in a branded glass held at the bottom while maintaining a cheesy grin. By the way, have you booked me on the cellar management course?'

'Got no pound coins!'
'Do you want a medal?' 'What have you done with them?' 'It was full this morning!'

'I say greatest landlord, the metriculator 1 is bereft of pound coins and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that extra pound coins are added to the float immediately? This will stop me using all the fifty pence pieces and all of the change in metriculator 2 thereby avoiding the requirement for you to refloat both metriculators in half an hour's time'.

'Gents towel needs changing?'
'Into what?' 'Does it really want to change?'

'I say greatest landlord, the roller towel in the gentleman's latrines has been exhausted and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced immediately. This will avoid me attempting to change the towel myself by following the diagram in reverse order resulting in your good self spending half an hour untangling and cutting the wretched thing free. By the way, have you booked me on that course 'The workings of a roller towel cabinet?'

The Ghost that glid

According to the database of the paranormal many ghostly sightings have been reported at the White Hart mainly the appearance a white lady carrying a child and the sound of horses hooves clopping by outside. (The latter, in my opinion can be readily dismissed, since there are many horse stables in the local area and Moneyrow Green is a popular horse riding route). In our time here we have experienced several 'odd' occurences which have not been easy to explain and worse, have been totally scoffed at by the locals to the point of ridicule.
Last night Turtle had an ashtray whisked from her hand which smashed on the floor and just before I locked up for the night at about 1 a.m. the invisible plasma decided to help herself to a large Gordons gin without using a glass. On closer examination of the optic I found it to be perfectly dry and operating correctly without drips. I use the feminine gender because I have actually observed a diminutive spectre glide out from the ladies toilet and disappear. A field day for the heretics but I assure you all the anecdotal evidence bears no correlation to the volume of Stowford Press consumed by myself or any of the other spiritual witnesses.

Taxi for Mr Brown

Take one turtle from the science fiction community of the 1980's; add one Scandinavian customer, an Asian taxi driver and the simple task of calling a cab to take the Scandinavian customer home. Stir all the ingredients together and shortly after the taxi driver enters the pub no one will know who Mr Brown is and the Scandinavian customer will order another beer.

Works equally well with other members of the science fiction community calling taxis for Mr Badger or Mr John

Royal Ascot Week

My feeble e-mail attempts to woo coach parties away from competitor pub B during Ascot week were to no avail. However, our own Ladies Day spectacular, now in its third year, proved to be a resounding success. The only blot on the day was that a fool poured washing up liquid in the Trevi fountain. The bonus was that other peoples' kids were kept amused for hours throwing harmless foam at each other. That made a pleasant change from hurling fence panels or destroying trees.

Later in the evening during the rave, various individuals demonstrated their stage potential which was captured on video.

The luminous petanque jacks arrived and take up of the game is increasing pending good weather.

June has been a washout as far as outside trade is concerned however the numbers indicate this will be our best month to date. Full steam ahead HMS White Hart

Reverse polarity

I recently bought a 3 litre bottle of vodka with the intention of fixing it to the bar. Since vodka is my highest selling spirit I am often disturbed from my power nap/siesta by requests to change the empty 1.5 litre bottles. My rationale was to refill the three litre bottle with 1.5 litre bottles in order to reduce the risk of being disturbed in the future. Also a three litre bottle is a good conversation piece and an effective point of sale marketing device but is relatively more expensive.

On a busy vodka swilling Friday night, members from the science fiction community of the 1980's decided to refill the empty smaller bottles from the three litre bottle. When challenged the reply was they thought the 3 litre bottle would be cheaper because it was bigger therefore that was why I bought it and in any event, one of them wanted the empty bottle to collect his loose change in.

Our Father.......

Fathers day was surprisingly more successful than Mothers Day this year. In fact we ran out of food and turned several walk-ins away. Could this mean fathers are on the ascendency and mothers are returning to the kitchen? As a result we have had three very successful weeks in succession with Ascot week and our Ladies Day on Thursday there's no stopping the HMS White Hart.

Rules and regs

In an ever increasing red-tape world especially in the licensed trade I decided to read up on the rules of petanque in preparation for future disputes.

Article 34 – Penalties of play
For non-observation of the rules of the game the players incur the following penalties
1) Warning;
2) Disqualification of the boule played or to be played;
3) Disqualification of the boule played or to be played and the following one;
4) Exclusion of the guilty player responsible for the game;
5) Disqualification of the team responsible;
6) Disqualification of the two teams in case of complicity.

The first game for money took place yesterday between Grim and Jackie Pallo. As umpire I was happy at one point to issue penalty one for unsavoury language but I was completely at a loss when Grim muttered f****** c**** under his breath at the end of the game won by Jackie Pallo surprisingly.

Danielle sent a 'Greek Salad - well done' through to the kitchen.

Three coins in the fountain

The four-tier cast stone fountain from Ebay arrived today. More restlessness amongst the native experts. Should be up and running in a couple of days. Advised by the Ebayer to add food colouring to the water to create a dramatic effect. Petanque early adopters are playing the odd game here and there. I am expecting the game to take-off particularly during the White Hart supra barbecue petanque knockout fun day to be held in July.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting

First known mini-brawl in two and half years here at the White Hart. It all started between two girls from Ikea just after closing time. A lot of screaming, shouting and handbags although Peter Crouch believe you me did get clumped by a mystery drinker. A small amount of collateral damage was suffered by a bush and a potted plant. Sadly, my sign asking customers to respect the neighbours and leave quietly is about as effective as sending high frequency radio signals to communicate with the aliens.

Le bouliganisme

From yesterday's Times - "the game of petanque by which generations of under-employed men have marked the long, blissful transition from lunch to sunset is being desecrated by inebriation, incivility and even assault with agricultural implements". This all sounds a bit too close to home as the finishing touches are being put to the newly created petanque terrain in the White Hart cosmopolitan zone.

Worse, other peoples' kids think it is a giant sandpit and take great pleasure walking endlessly around the perimeter. Worse still, the dogs have reverted back to their puppyhood and now use the terrain as Moneyrow Green's largest known cat tray.

Cash & carry

A grotesque shopping experience in the heart of Slough. Endless loops of Gloria Estefan up-beat B- sides tricking you into false economies, bulk buying and a VAT-less hedonism . I went there yesterday to buy butter, peas, washing up liquid and comfort. On exit I couldn't have got any more on the pallet truck and needed a credit note for the Hamlet Specials because I did'nt have enough money. The moral of the story is always take ten times more cash than you think you need but don't get carried away.

Ron Manager presented the Fantasy Football prizes at his condominium on a hot and muggy afternoon. I played tennis for about an hour with Steve Hasselhogg in the community court. At one point I took a serious fall on the tarmac and landed luckily, on my left wrist.

At 1.30pm Turtle asked me to change the Kronenbourg. At 1.31pm I informed Turtle that we had indeed sold out of Kronenbourg until Monday. At 5.30pm Turtle asked Lord Bovine to change the Kronenbourg. At 5.31pm upon return from the beer cellar Lord Bovine informed Turtle that we had no Kronenbourg. Upon my return from the condominium I informed Lord Bovine that we had sold out of Kronenbourg. Turtle finished work at 6.00pm. Soon we will be installing Peroni on draft just to complicate things.

'G0-Go' Bars are still thriving businesses in Thailand.

Sir Tesco Dave MMBE

With a little over three weeks until the smoking ban, action continues apace at the White Hart in readiness for the big day. The petanque court boundary was laid last nght. This was in front of an audience of 'do you know what you want to do's........', 'if I were you's.....', and 'why don't you's.....'. I was completey anaethsetised by 7.00pm, and required a powerful Stowford antidote to restore order to the frontal cortex.

As observed by the keen tippler, excessive cigarette smoking by the regulars continues unabated. M&J Vending were on the scene quickly to refill the machine. Earlier on I had a chat with P&S Meats, posted a cheque off to J&S Meats into A&L, spoken to J&S Rook outside J&J Stores, followed the M&J Seafood van into the WH. 3663 spells 'FOOD' on the telephone keypad.

A eureka moment from Tesco Dave means I shall be off to B&Q today to buy some low level solar garden lights. These will be put into buckets of sand and used as outside ashtrays. As a non-smoker Tesco Dave asserted that his wife who smokes outside in his garden 'behaved like a moth' and was attracted towards the light when she need to extinguish her cigarette. This completely stopped her using the flower pots, lawn, drain, patio - anything but the ashtray.

During the summer months when a lot of people sit outside, bar staff have a strange habit of leaving empty glasses but removing all the ashtrays. Consequently people use the floor, flower pots, lawn, drain etc to stub out their fags. Luckily for them I pay someone to go round and sweep them up every morning. Hopefully, the Tesco Dave experiment will prove an astonishing success which will enable the bar staff to spend more time hiding behind the sink, polishing up their vanishing acts.

Hart the old english stag

There are still many inns and pubs in England that sport a sign of the White Hart, the fifth most popular name for a pub. Arthur C. Clarke wrote a collection of science fictional tall tales under the title of Tales from the White Hart, which used as a framing device the conceit that the tales were told during drinking sessions in a pub named the White Hart that existed somewhere between Fleet Street and the Embankment. This pub was fictional, but was based on a real pub named the White Horse where the science fiction community of London met in the 1940s and 1950s.

In 2007 the publican, Richard A. Heath began to compile a web log of tall tales called the Moneyrow Green Bugle, which uses as a framing device the fact that the tales and events actually happen during drinking sessions in a pub named the White Hart that still exists somewhere between Holyport Road and Fifield. There are still several members of the Maidenhead science fiction community who regularly drink there to this day (those who were returned by the aliens during the 1980's).

Big questions of the day

Owing to the state of my frontal cortex on Monday I was unable to complete an entry however, today we have a few large questions/observations which need to be recorded.

1. Will England ever win the world cup? I am expecting more Estonians than England fans in the pub tonight to not watch the match on Sky which I have n't got or can't afford. (triple negatives are allowed in order to save time and words).

2. In the run up to the smoking ban, the government announce plans to tax the middle England 'winos'. This follows a recent campaign to highlight the dangers of drinking half a pint of standard lager per day and consequently manufacturers are now printing the number of units per drink on all bottles and packaging. Myself and most of my customers must live in a parallel universe.

3. In the last days of the smoking raj my puffing customers including myself are smoking 'significantly' more than usual. An observation made by Lady Karen a profound non-smoker but keen tippler. This is further illustrated by a much stronger pub smell when we arise from the dead in the morning and the cigarette machine was 'exhausted' of Marlboro lights on Tuesday - unheard of!!!.

4. The prices of outside ashtrays and 'jumbrellas' is almost as astonishing as your average Moneyrow Green cottage. Still can't work out why the ashtrays have locks on them. Not aware of butt rustling as a crime - except in America of course, where the term means something completely different.

Away with the fairies at the White Hart bank

A very busy Sunday trading session including lots of Stowford press consumption by yours truly. I was accompanied in this act of satanism by Sugar and the Dark Lord. Earlier on in the day the drains had to be cleared. Thanks to Jackie Pallo. Construction project phase 1 was also completed. The gate has caused much more restlessness amongst the natives according to Byawn.

For some reason young people (mainly under 30 years old) seem to believe that it is perfectly normal to come into the White Hart, run up a large bar tab without asking and then declare that they have no money until sometime in the future. If I suggest they may get run over by a bus between now and the future they accuse me of being a miserable employer yeah but no but. A generational altercation was diffused at the last minute.

A heady cocktail of skunk damaged brain neurons and Margaret Thatcher is undoubtedly the cause. Cashier number 3 please.

Fair fatigue

On a gloriously sunny June day I duly obliged my committment to the village fair by appearing in the stocks at the allotted time. I recommended the use of an old bar stool for next year's fair since standing at an obtuse angle with a gravity fed pot belly was quite uncomfortable on the small of the back after a while. Nevertheless, grown men and kids alike took great pleasure in hurling wet sponges at my miserable visage for 12 minutes and 40 seconds.
A large crowd turned out for the fair and both the George and the beer tent were packed full. Although splendid for takings - probably the best day of the year - there is nothing worse on a hot sunny day than working a sweaty bar and running out of glasses, warm beer, ice, staff and patience (particularly with Joe Public). - pass me that boiled sweet, these grapes are sour.

Business was reassuringly steady at the White Hart throughout the day and takings were boosted when the battle fatigued fair organisers decided to dine late-on.

Other peoples' kids

We don't actively welcome kids to our establishment but we don't turn them away either. Since most kids these days are products of Thatcher kids a typical kid issue in 2007 goes something like this:-

WH- (multiple silent witnesses) "Your kid has just destroyed several panels of newly built fencing, smeared mud over the walls, broken several tree branches and left them scattered over the car park, broken two glasses, left crisp wrappers and serviettes on the floor, shouted, bullied other kids, run around incessantly between all the customers tables, smeared greasy hands over car bonnets, attempted to obtain drinks with no money or manners and generally been a pain in the arse".

CUSTOMER- "Are you saying that my kid has just destroyed...................."
"Yeah but if you hadn't had a fence, white walls, mud etc etc he wouldn't have done it"
"It couldn't have been our Tristram/Chloe!"
"He/she's been sitting here with us all the time"
"He should n't have parked his car there"
"That fence was broken anyway"
"How dare you criticise my child"
"Yeah but, no but, yeah but"
"We have failed to ingrain any form of civil discipline into our child therefore, it is your problem for the next two hours while we sit here and get pissed."
"See you in court"

WH- "Hope the little brat enjoyed his two and a half eaten nuggets, three chips and E709 stabiliser - hope to see you again in McDonalds - have a nice day ya'all"

Dark Lord abandoned sports car in disabled parking space.
Two stag beetles found in the pub at closing time. Quite a few about this year that makes three altogether, not to mention the cock chafers.