Moneyrow Green Bugle

1962

2010-06-18T07:18:00.001+01:00

1962BLUE by richardh99
Browse Vintage 1962 T-Shirts

Advantage

2010-06-16T11:05:00.001+01:00

Spreadshirt Market Place Design

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New balls please

2010-06-14T19:00:00.001+01:00

Spreadshirt Market Place Design

New balls please

Mug shot £15.95

2010-06-14T06:38:00.001+01:00

Bullshit mug by richardh99
Create a coffee travel mug with zazzle.co.uk

Sparrow Fountain

2007-08-30T07:13:00.000+01:00

In Holyport, a sizeable community of some of the last few surviving house sparrows live in the White Hart hedge. Soon after the Trevi fountain was installed, one of their bravest explored the crystal clear cascading falls in search of drinking and bathing facilities. News travelled fast amongst our feathered friends and within days more sparrows attended the fountain to perform their ablutions. Now as the non-summer drifts into autumn, customers at the White Hart can witness the daily spectacle of a veritable flock of sparrows cavorting in the cascading falls of green sludge, algae and birdshit. The Trevi fountain has since been renamed by the management to Sparrow fountain and that's official.

Farewell cruel beer garden

2007-08-22T08:28:00.000+01:00

The old joke where the terminally ill man is advised by his doctor that he only has two weeks to live to which he replies - "Can you make that the last two weeks in August?" is clearly not relevant or funny in 2007.

The summer is now so depressing that even the parasols are attempting to commit suicide.

Back in your stand you naughty parasol!!! What will the neighbours think?

Turn right at the sorter no I mean left

2007-08-21T13:18:00.000+01:00

This item of mail informing me of my pass code to log in to the M&J Seafood web site was decapitated by the Post Office. Good job M&J Seafood had already sent me an e-mail days earlier informing me of the same thing.

Civic Amenities

2007-08-14T20:00:00.001+01:00

Despite the weather, transfixed locals peer in amazement as Ron Manager demonstrates the latest stick-shift, drive by wire pubfinder software on board his new (HD Ready) Honda Cyril.

Allez les bleus!!!

2007-08-12T12:33:00.000+01:00

Having won two hospitality tickets to England France I thought it rude not to attend with the keen tippler. A somewhat tame game followed the gluttony session and the game was won by a try from the French Jesus cave troll - Sebastian Chabal. I was surprised the England fans only chant in their repertoire was a rather feeble 'Swing Low', and many of those petered out after the first line. A good dose of 'Ooo are ya!!! Ooo are ya!!! or any one of the many heard at most premiership football games on a Saturday afternoon woudn't have gone a miss.

Papparazzi

2007-08-11T06:52:00.000+01:00

Following routine digital teeth whitening treatment, ex-barmaid Turtle is caught sunbathing topless in the back garden. Next thing the picture is all over the national newspapers. Outrageous!!

Good news

2007-08-08T11:36:00.000+01:00

For members of the booby club (of which I am patron) - staring at a fine chest is good for men's health - its official!

Trans Global Express

2007-08-08T11:27:00.000+01:00

After a day's hard labour, workers on the Burma to Holyport branch line extension enjoy a relaxing game of english petanque.

Phwoar what a scorcher!

2007-08-01T13:21:00.000+01:00

In reality only about 22 degrees however, its been a long time coming and finally we can emerge triumphantly from the doldrums of the summer of 07 (until next Sunday, according to the young whippersnapper forecaster on the BBC).

The last day of July brought us a sunny day from dawn until dusk. Trade was magnificent for a Tuesday as I basked away much of the day with the boozing fraternity. Since Peter Crouch has reneged on his gardening duties for one reason or another it was down to the Midnight Cowboy to mow the front lawn and my goodself to trim the hedges. Mid-afternoon, bats were seen flying high above the White Hart feasting on a flying ant orgy emanating from one of the hanging baskets. When recounting this observation later on in the day I was met with wave after wave of mocking scorn from the great unwashed. I have since verified this occurrence with bats.org and it would appear that bats will fly during the day particularly after a period of bad weather when they are 'Hank Marvin' . So there.

Bleak House

2007-07-26T15:03:00.000+01:00

I write as it blows a gale with driving rain outside my office window. There is no-one in the beer garden smoking and all the parasols have been lowered to stop the Mary Poppins effect. Yes this summer has been the lousiest since records began - its official. I think I'll go and light the fire - on this inclement November afternoon - thats if the logs are n't too damp. Moan, groan.

Heaven & Earth

2007-07-24T09:25:00.000+01:00

Under the influence of Stowford Press this cirrus cloud formation looked rather pleasant on Sunday evening. I am sure a cloud boffin in the pub will advise me whether this was a cirrostratus or a cirrocumulus or maybe I am the cloud boffin for even being able to remember a cirrus cloud formation when I see one. Then again it could be an altostratus. That was always the difficulty studying clouds at school.

It took 98mm of rainfall on Friday to wash away most of the horseshit left on the drive last Sunday by the visiting horses who were having their mug shots taken by Johnny the Hat. Soon the 'great flood of 2007' will be upon us here in Maidenhead (but not in Moneyrow Green I forecast)

Long term car park to front

2007-07-24T08:51:00.000+01:00

This one was dumped in front of the gate on Friday and collected on Sunday. I enquired of the driver whether he'd had a pleasant weekend break to which he replied 'Sorry!' claiming he had lost all track of time and was convinced it was Saturday morning. The occurrence of dumped cars for two to three days is quite common and leads me to summise that there may be a 'Holyport Triangle' phenomenon similar to the one observed in Bermuda but on a much smaller scale and on land of course. As well as bewildered individuals collecting their dumped vehicles after several days I often observe cars being dumped at the White Hart and the occupants wandering 'trance-like' with luggage and push chairs towards to the neighbours. I often try to save them from their appointment with the 4th dimension by offering them food, drink and shelter but always to no avail. By the morning the cars with their occupants have usually gone. Oddly, I never see them leave!

Large car park to rear 5

2007-07-20T17:36:00.001+01:00

Are these people in love with their cars?

The Warden

2007-07-20T15:10:00.001+01:00

Here is the smoking warden aka Byawn Bore's best friend, sitting drinking a pint of water with all his friends. Thanks to keen-eyed Adamski for capturing the council official in action.

Limestone Cowboy

2007-07-20T14:40:00.000+01:00

Four tons of limestone gravel dust arrived today and was dumped at the front of the pub. With the help of Devon, my erstwhile assistant, we set about shovelling and raking the lot onto the petanque terrain. Anyone performing maintenance or construction work at the White Hart is guaranteed an audience of experts, 'how much?'s, 'what you wanna do's, 'I'd have done's, 'Did you hire that?'s 'I've got one of those you could have had's, all round mockers and nae'er do wells. Any notion of physical assistance completely out of the question.

Being a reasonably thick-skinned publican (getting thicker by the day I might add) we persevered and completed the task in admirable fashion. I now have a petanque surface to be proud of. Comedy moment of the day was when Peter Crouch exchanged the jack with a toilet ball from the urinal. This was duly thrown at the start of a game and smashed to pieces on impact. I hope they both washed their hands.

1001 Nights

2007-07-18T10:43:00.000+01:00

According to THE spreadsheet, the evening of July 18th 2007 will be number 1001 encarcerated in the White Hart. We will not be dining out with the young Caliph and his wicked advisors instead its likely to be business as usual - although anything can happen in the strange world of licensed retailing.

Diametrically opposed

2007-07-17T06:57:00.000+01:00

There are some people in life whom I am unable to communicate with in a charming and effective fashion as I do with most of my friends, associates, employees, suppliers and customers. I liken this phenomenon to the earthlings attempting to communicate with the spaceship in 'Close Encounters' via a giant keyboard. Conversations with these people never seem to get started successfully or painfully bump along the bottom until I have to make my excuses or just walk away after yet another painful pregnant pause. My thoughts on the personalities of these characters are very close to my thoughts on the incredible media achievements of Paris Hilton or the creative genius of that cheeky songster Robbie Williams. It must be me then.

Large car park to rear 4

2007-07-15T18:04:00.000+01:00

Large car park to rear 3

2007-07-15T18:02:00.000+01:00

Help the trapped disabled

2007-07-09T20:50:00.000+01:00

Large car park to rear 2

2007-07-09T20:16:00.001+01:00

Large car park to rear

2007-07-05T15:51:00.001+01:00

Wimbledon backlog

2007-07-05T12:55:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Rusty Barmaid for this one as the Wimbledon backlog threatens to roll into week three. Life is just not the same without the theme tune from Ready, Steady, Cook floating across the White Hart airwaves at 4.30pm on a sleepy mid-week afternoon.

Civil liberties & the warden

2007-07-05T09:43:00.000+01:00

Although Sunday afternoon was very busy - even I had to serve for a while - my view was that it would be like the first day back at school after the summer holidays for some people. Short -lived curiosity caused by potential dramas surrounding the 'change' followed rapidly by anti-climax as mountain turned into molehill.

The first real test of the smoking ban would be the early Monday evening after-work session. There is only so much civil liberty clap trap a humble publican can resist absorbing before taking French leave. In my absence I was advised that the inconspicuous warden had been spotted by all the customers from a hundred paces and one had snapped him on camera. Maybe it was sitting alone, dressed in a civic suit drinking a pint of tap water which gave him away.

The weather has been relentlessly grim all week and trade has been sluggish. However, the magnificent Framley Examiner has been updated and will instantly raise the spirits. Worryingly similar to the Maidenhead Advertiser www.framleyexaminer.com/pages/clas008.html

The auspicious damp squib

2007-07-02T11:41:00.000+01:00

Listening to the radio in my last minute drive to the parasol shop the old sage Michael Parkinson was discussing the ban on smoking with the buxom wench Eve Pollard. On cue into the next jazz track he described it as an auspicious day. Not certain that he had used the right adjective and from my experience of the hysteria surrounding the millenium bug in 1999 and the new licensing laws in 2005 my position was closer to that of a 'damp squib'. On the day only two individuals absent mindedly lit up and were rapidly escorted from the premises otherwise a remarkably fatalistic non-event did not take place. A big cheese from the brewery came round in the afternoon to interview staff and customers and fill in questionnaires. The raw data will be fed into the Cray at Bury St Edmunds for future anal ysis.

Having to look up auspicious I also looked up squib which is a small firework that makes a hissing noise when lit. Any squibs lit on smoking ban day would have been damp. I rest my case.

It's all in the runes

2007-07-02T11:24:00.000+01:00

As mentioned previously, flaming June has been not so flaming however, the HMS White Hart has turned in an outstanding set of numbers for the month mainly thanks to the efforts of the Ridgeback in the kitchen. In the last week of the smoking raj it rained every day and trade was moderate. This was all set against a backdrop of an unelected new Prime Minister, Pussy Tim going out in the second round, half of Yorkshire under three feet of water, Midnight Cowboy suffering a heart attack (get well soon), bomb scares in London, crazed Iranian doctors driving a flaming jeep into the main entrance of Glasgow airport and Princes William and Harry groovin on down at Wembley. Never a dull a moment.

Communication let me down

2007-06-30T12:25:00.000+01:00

Crooned the man from Spandau in the 1980's. Today the science fiction community have developed an advanced system of communication by statement or announcement which I find mildly irritating. The following is a list of commonly used statements in the pub with my immediate response, interpretation and or misunderstanding.

'Fosters has gone!'
'Where? - On holiday?, to lunch? down the road? awol?

' I say greatest Landlord, I am certain that the Fosters barrel is empty and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced by a full one?' This will enable me to dispense to the waiting customer a full pint of lager in under three minutes without spillage in a branded glass held at the bottom while maintaining a cheesy grin. By the way, have you booked me on the cellar management course?'

'Got no pound coins!'
'Do you want a medal?' 'What have you done with them?' 'It was full this morning!'

'I say greatest landlord, the metriculator 1 is bereft of pound coins and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that extra pound coins are added to the float immediately? This will stop me using all the fifty pence pieces and all of the change in metriculator 2 thereby avoiding the requirement for you to refloat both metriculators in half an hour's time'.

'Gents towel needs changing?'
'Into what?' 'Does it really want to change?'

'I say greatest landlord, the roller towel in the gentleman's latrines has been exhausted and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced immediately. This will avoid me attempting to change the towel myself by following the diagram in reverse order resulting in your good self spending half an hour untangling and cutting the wretched thing free. By the way, have you booked me on that course 'The workings of a roller towel cabinet?'

The Ghost that glid

2007-06-26T15:49:00.000+01:00

According to the database of the paranormal many ghostly sightings have been reported at the White Hart mainly the appearance a white lady carrying a child and the sound of horses hooves clopping by outside. (The latter, in my opinion can be readily dismissed, since there are many horse stables in the local area and Moneyrow Green is a popular horse riding route). In our time here we have experienced several 'odd' occurences which have not been easy to explain and worse, have been totally scoffed at by the locals to the point of ridicule.
Last night Turtle had an ashtray whisked from her hand which smashed on the floor and just before I locked up for the night at about 1 a.m. the invisible plasma decided to help herself to a large Gordons gin without using a glass. On closer examination of the optic I found it to be perfectly dry and operating correctly without drips. I use the feminine gender because I have actually observed a diminutive spectre glide out from the ladies toilet and disappear. A field day for the heretics but I assure you all the anecdotal evidence bears no correlation to the volume of Stowford Press consumed by myself or any of the other spiritual witnesses.

Taxi for Mr Brown

2007-06-26T10:37:00.000+01:00

Take one turtle from the science fiction community of the 1980's; add one Scandinavian customer, an Asian taxi driver and the simple task of calling a cab to take the Scandinavian customer home. Stir all the ingredients together and shortly after the taxi driver enters the pub no one will know who Mr Brown is and the Scandinavian customer will order another beer.

Works equally well with other members of the science fiction community calling taxis for Mr Badger or Mr John

Royal Ascot Week

2007-06-25T18:58:00.000+01:00

My feeble e-mail attempts to woo coach parties away from competitor pub B during Ascot week were to no avail. However, our own Ladies Day spectacular, now in its third year, proved to be a resounding success. The only blot on the day was that a fool poured washing up liquid in the Trevi fountain. The bonus was that other peoples' kids were kept amused for hours throwing harmless foam at each other. That made a pleasant change from hurling fence panels or destroying trees.

Later in the evening during the rave, various individuals demonstrated their stage potential which was captured on video.

The luminous petanque jacks arrived and take up of the game is increasing pending good weather.

June has been a washout as far as outside trade is concerned however the numbers indicate this will be our best month to date. Full steam ahead HMS White Hart

Reverse polarity

2007-06-18T08:46:00.000+01:00

I recently bought a 3 litre bottle of vodka with the intention of fixing it to the bar. Since vodka is my highest selling spirit I am often disturbed from my power nap/siesta by requests to change the empty 1.5 litre bottles. My rationale was to refill the three litre bottle with 1.5 litre bottles in order to reduce the risk of being disturbed in the future. Also a three litre bottle is a good conversation piece and an effective point of sale marketing device but is relatively more expensive.

On a busy vodka swilling Friday night, members from the science fiction community of the 1980's decided to refill the empty smaller bottles from the three litre bottle. When challenged the reply was they thought the 3 litre bottle would be cheaper because it was bigger therefore that was why I bought it and in any event, one of them wanted the empty bottle to collect his loose change in.

Our Father.......

2007-06-18T08:37:00.000+01:00

Fathers day was surprisingly more successful than Mothers Day this year. In fact we ran out of food and turned several walk-ins away. Could this mean fathers are on the ascendency and mothers are returning to the kitchen? As a result we have had three very successful weeks in succession with Ascot week and our Ladies Day on Thursday there's no stopping the HMS White Hart.

Rules and regs

2007-06-15T19:53:00.000+01:00

In an ever increasing red-tape world especially in the licensed trade I decided to read up on the rules of petanque in preparation for future disputes.

Article 34 – Penalties of play
For non-observation of the rules of the game the players incur the following penalties
1) Warning;
2) Disqualification of the boule played or to be played;
3) Disqualification of the boule played or to be played and the following one;
4) Exclusion of the guilty player responsible for the game;
5) Disqualification of the team responsible;
6) Disqualification of the two teams in case of complicity.

The first game for money took place yesterday between Grim and Jackie Pallo. As umpire I was happy at one point to issue penalty one for unsavoury language but I was completely at a loss when Grim muttered f****** c**** under his breath at the end of the game won by Jackie Pallo surprisingly.

Danielle sent a 'Greek Salad - well done' through to the kitchen.

Three coins in the fountain

2007-06-14T17:32:00.000+01:00

The four-tier cast stone fountain from Ebay arrived today. More restlessness amongst the native experts. Should be up and running in a couple of days. Advised by the Ebayer to add food colouring to the water to create a dramatic effect. Petanque early adopters are playing the odd game here and there. I am expecting the game to take-off particularly during the White Hart supra barbecue petanque knockout fun day to be held in July.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting

2007-06-13T16:28:00.000+01:00

First known mini-brawl in two and half years here at the White Hart. It all started between two girls from Ikea just after closing time. A lot of screaming, shouting and handbags although Peter Crouch believe you me did get clumped by a mystery drinker. A small amount of collateral damage was suffered by a bush and a potted plant. Sadly, my sign asking customers to respect the neighbours and leave quietly is about as effective as sending high frequency radio signals to communicate with the aliens.

Le bouliganisme

2007-06-12T10:08:00.000+01:00

From yesterday's Times - "the game of petanque by which generations of under-employed men have marked the long, blissful transition from lunch to sunset is being desecrated by inebriation, incivility and even assault with agricultural implements". This all sounds a bit too close to home as the finishing touches are being put to the newly created petanque terrain in the White Hart cosmopolitan zone.

Worse, other peoples' kids think it is a giant sandpit and take great pleasure walking endlessly around the perimeter. Worse still, the dogs have reverted back to their puppyhood and now use the terrain as Moneyrow Green's largest known cat tray.

Cash & carry

2007-06-10T09:29:00.000+01:00

A grotesque shopping experience in the heart of Slough. Endless loops of Gloria Estefan up-beat B- sides tricking you into false economies, bulk buying and a VAT-less hedonism . I went there yesterday to buy butter, peas, washing up liquid and comfort. On exit I couldn't have got any more on the pallet truck and needed a credit note for the Hamlet Specials because I did'nt have enough money. The moral of the story is always take ten times more cash than you think you need but don't get carried away.

Ron Manager presented the Fantasy Football prizes at his condominium on a hot and muggy afternoon. I played tennis for about an hour with Steve Hasselhogg in the community court. At one point I took a serious fall on the tarmac and landed luckily, on my left wrist.

At 1.30pm Turtle asked me to change the Kronenbourg. At 1.31pm I informed Turtle that we had indeed sold out of Kronenbourg until Monday. At 5.30pm Turtle asked Lord Bovine to change the Kronenbourg. At 5.31pm upon return from the beer cellar Lord Bovine informed Turtle that we had no Kronenbourg. Upon my return from the condominium I informed Lord Bovine that we had sold out of Kronenbourg. Turtle finished work at 6.00pm. Soon we will be installing Peroni on draft just to complicate things.

'G0-Go' Bars are still thriving businesses in Thailand.

Sir Tesco Dave MMBE

2007-06-08T08:21:00.000+01:00

With a little over three weeks until the smoking ban, action continues apace at the White Hart in readiness for the big day. The petanque court boundary was laid last nght. This was in front of an audience of 'do you know what you want to do's........', 'if I were you's.....', and 'why don't you's.....'. I was completey anaethsetised by 7.00pm, and required a powerful Stowford antidote to restore order to the frontal cortex.

As observed by the keen tippler, excessive cigarette smoking by the regulars continues unabated. M&J Vending were on the scene quickly to refill the machine. Earlier on I had a chat with P&S Meats, posted a cheque off to J&S Meats into A&L, spoken to J&S Rook outside J&J Stores, followed the M&J Seafood van into the WH. 3663 spells 'FOOD' on the telephone keypad.

A eureka moment from Tesco Dave means I shall be off to B&Q today to buy some low level solar garden lights. These will be put into buckets of sand and used as outside ashtrays. As a non-smoker Tesco Dave asserted that his wife who smokes outside in his garden 'behaved like a moth' and was attracted towards the light when she need to extinguish her cigarette. This completely stopped her using the flower pots, lawn, drain, patio - anything but the ashtray.

During the summer months when a lot of people sit outside, bar staff have a strange habit of leaving empty glasses but removing all the ashtrays. Consequently people use the floor, flower pots, lawn, drain etc to stub out their fags. Luckily for them I pay someone to go round and sweep them up every morning. Hopefully, the Tesco Dave experiment will prove an astonishing success which will enable the bar staff to spend more time hiding behind the sink, polishing up their vanishing acts.

Hart the old english stag

2007-06-07T08:24:00.000+01:00

There are still many inns and pubs in England that sport a sign of the White Hart, the fifth most popular name for a pub. Arthur C. Clarke wrote a collection of science fictional tall tales under the title of Tales from the White Hart, which used as a framing device the conceit that the tales were told during drinking sessions in a pub named the White Hart that existed somewhere between Fleet Street and the Embankment. This pub was fictional, but was based on a real pub named the White Horse where the science fiction community of London met in the 1940s and 1950s.

In 2007 the publican, Richard A. Heath began to compile a web log of tall tales called the Moneyrow Green Bugle, which uses as a framing device the fact that the tales and events actually happen during drinking sessions in a pub named the White Hart that still exists somewhere between Holyport Road and Fifield. There are still several members of the Maidenhead science fiction community who regularly drink there to this day (those who were returned by the aliens during the 1980's).

Big questions of the day

2007-06-06T07:45:00.000+01:00

Owing to the state of my frontal cortex on Monday I was unable to complete an entry however, today we have a few large questions/observations which need to be recorded.

1. Will England ever win the world cup? I am expecting more Estonians than England fans in the pub tonight to not watch the match on Sky which I have n't got or can't afford. (triple negatives are allowed in order to save time and words).

2. In the run up to the smoking ban, the government announce plans to tax the middle England 'winos'. This follows a recent campaign to highlight the dangers of drinking half a pint of standard lager per day and consequently manufacturers are now printing the number of units per drink on all bottles and packaging. Myself and most of my customers must live in a parallel universe.

3. In the last days of the smoking raj my puffing customers including myself are smoking 'significantly' more than usual. An observation made by Lady Karen a profound non-smoker but keen tippler. This is further illustrated by a much stronger pub smell when we arise from the dead in the morning and the cigarette machine was 'exhausted' of Marlboro lights on Tuesday - unheard of!!!.

4. The prices of outside ashtrays and 'jumbrellas' is almost as astonishing as your average Moneyrow Green cottage. Still can't work out why the ashtrays have locks on them. Not aware of butt rustling as a crime - except in America of course, where the term means something completely different.

Away with the fairies at the White Hart bank

2007-06-04T21:08:00.000+01:00

A very busy Sunday trading session including lots of Stowford press consumption by yours truly. I was accompanied in this act of satanism by Sugar and the Dark Lord. Earlier on in the day the drains had to be cleared. Thanks to Jackie Pallo. Construction project phase 1 was also completed. The gate has caused much more restlessness amongst the natives according to Byawn.

For some reason young people (mainly under 30 years old) seem to believe that it is perfectly normal to come into the White Hart, run up a large bar tab without asking and then declare that they have no money until sometime in the future. If I suggest they may get run over by a bus between now and the future they accuse me of being a miserable employer yeah but no but. A generational altercation was diffused at the last minute.

A heady cocktail of skunk damaged brain neurons and Margaret Thatcher is undoubtedly the cause. Cashier number 3 please.

Fair fatigue

2007-06-03T07:41:00.000+01:00

On a gloriously sunny June day I duly obliged my committment to the village fair by appearing in the stocks at the allotted time. I recommended the use of an old bar stool for next year's fair since standing at an obtuse angle with a gravity fed pot belly was quite uncomfortable on the small of the back after a while. Nevertheless, grown men and kids alike took great pleasure in hurling wet sponges at my miserable visage for 12 minutes and 40 seconds.
A large crowd turned out for the fair and both the George and the beer tent were packed full. Although splendid for takings - probably the best day of the year - there is nothing worse on a hot sunny day than working a sweaty bar and running out of glasses, warm beer, ice, staff and patience (particularly with Joe Public). - pass me that boiled sweet, these grapes are sour.

Business was reassuringly steady at the White Hart throughout the day and takings were boosted when the battle fatigued fair organisers decided to dine late-on.

Other peoples' kids

2007-06-02T08:11:00.000+01:00

We don't actively welcome kids to our establishment but we don't turn them away either. Since most kids these days are products of Thatcher kids a typical kid issue in 2007 goes something like this:-

WH- (multiple silent witnesses) "Your kid has just destroyed several panels of newly built fencing, smeared mud over the walls, broken several tree branches and left them scattered over the car park, broken two glasses, left crisp wrappers and serviettes on the floor, shouted, bullied other kids, run around incessantly between all the customers tables, smeared greasy hands over car bonnets, attempted to obtain drinks with no money or manners and generally been a pain in the arse".

CUSTOMER- "Are you saying that my kid has just destroyed...................."
"Yeah but if you hadn't had a fence, white walls, mud etc etc he wouldn't have done it"
"It couldn't have been our Tristram/Chloe!"
"He/she's been sitting here with us all the time"
"He should n't have parked his car there"
"That fence was broken anyway"
"How dare you criticise my child"
"Yeah but, no but, yeah but"
"We have failed to ingrain any form of civil discipline into our child therefore, it is your problem for the next two hours while we sit here and get pissed."
"See you in court"

WH- "Hope the little brat enjoyed his two and a half eaten nuggets, three chips and E709 stabiliser - hope to see you again in McDonalds - have a nice day ya'all"

Dark Lord abandoned sports car in disabled parking space.
Two stag beetles found in the pub at closing time. Quite a few about this year that makes three altogether, not to mention the cock chafers.

Big kids

2007-05-31T21:17:00.000+01:00

Collected gate for new fencing project. Old white kerbstones removed and concreted up. As expected grown men love to put their initials in wet cement. Karen tamped out the grafiti with her slippers. Next person to ask me what I'm doing about the smoking ban will not win a prize.
Notified that my time in the stocks on fair day will be 3.20pm.

Fun

2007-05-30T15:38:00.000+01:00

A late-ish night discussing the virtues or otherwise of Holyport village fair. (This coming Saturday 3rd June). The long lost Holyport beer race was fondly remembered. Why can't we have village tomato fights, charging bulls or 1,000-a-side rubgy punch-ups like they seem to be able to do in Europe. All agreed the paralysis was caused by too much preventative legislation, insurance issues and all-round caution. The word 'fun' caused much debate. Continued discussion on the effects of long term skunk abuse vis a vis barstaff performance, mood swings, paranoia, denial etc. Closure of the front car park (all six spaces) still causing some restlessness amongst the natives. Petanque court measurements revised.