Communication let me down

Crooned the man from Spandau in the 1980's. Today the science fiction community have developed an advanced system of communication by statement or announcement which I find mildly irritating. The following is a list of commonly used statements in the pub with my immediate response, interpretation and or misunderstanding.

'Fosters has gone!'
'Where? - On holiday?, to lunch? down the road? awol?

' I say greatest Landlord, I am certain that the Fosters barrel is empty and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced by a full one?' This will enable me to dispense to the waiting customer a full pint of lager in under three minutes without spillage in a branded glass held at the bottom while maintaining a cheesy grin. By the way, have you booked me on the cellar management course?'

'Got no pound coins!'
'Do you want a medal?' 'What have you done with them?' 'It was full this morning!'

'I say greatest landlord, the metriculator 1 is bereft of pound coins and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that extra pound coins are added to the float immediately? This will stop me using all the fifty pence pieces and all of the change in metriculator 2 thereby avoiding the requirement for you to refloat both metriculators in half an hour's time'.

'Gents towel needs changing?'
'Into what?' 'Does it really want to change?'

'I say greatest landlord, the roller towel in the gentleman's latrines has been exhausted and at your earliest convenience please could you see to it that it is replaced immediately. This will avoid me attempting to change the towel myself by following the diagram in reverse order resulting in your good self spending half an hour untangling and cutting the wretched thing free. By the way, have you booked me on that course 'The workings of a roller towel cabinet?'